Let me ask you a question. And please be honest. Do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you? Perhaps, you don’t really know which is which?
Think about your last 48 hours. Did you get into an argument? Did you lose patience with a colleague, a spouse, a friend? Did you respond to an email too fast? Did you post an insensitive tweet? Did you ruin a relationship because you misinterpreted someone’s intentions? Do you regret any of your actions of the past 48 hours?
If you answered Yes, to any of these questions then you probably let your emotions control you.
On this note, I welcome you to the second part of the emotional intelligence series.
In my previous post, I talked about self awareness, which is the ability to know which emotions you are feeling and why.
Self management builds on self awareness. It is the ability to use awareness of your emotions to actively choose what to say and what to do.
Developing this skill allows you to choose positively how to react to different situations to your own advantage.
So how can we practice self-management?
For illustration’s sake, let’s consider one typical emotion we have to deal with frequently; Anger.
The first step before you act on your emotion is to take a pause. And ask yourself a set of questions:
Is anger clouding my judgment?
Do I need to cool down before taking action?
Am I on the verge of saying or doing something I’ll soon regret?
Anger is one of the emotions that clouds our thinking but there are many others we deal with, such as: setbacks, disappointments or loss; paranoid assumptions about what someone/people think of us; or fighting cravings/habits that overrule our best judgment etc.
Whatever emotions we are dealing with, we must first identify them. Question them. and only then, are we able to take the appropriate action.
Let me share just a few actions that can improve self-management:
Inhale through your nose until you can feel your stomach swell outward and grow tight, and then exhale gently and completely through your mouth. This will help you relax.
Research shows that when we breathe deeply, we give extra oxygen to the higher level reasoning parts of our brain, which in turn will help us gain clarity.
As the famous french saying goes: Tourne sept fois la langue dans ta bouche avant de parler (turn your tongue seven times before you speak), it is important to give yourself time to think before you react.
Sometimes you need a goodnight sleep to organize your thoughts and let the dust settle before you make a move. (La nuite porte conseil).
The main goal is to be able to gain time and let your emotions subside while you think of the best response.
Our thoughts influence our emotions. For instance, if you are looking forward to an event and tell yourself: “I can’t wait to go out partying tonight”, you are likely to feel excited whole day long. Similarly talking negatively when feeling down is likely to ruin your entire day. Negative self-talk is self-defeating. But you can turn your negative talk into a positive spin.
It is a fact that we do not have control over many facets of our lives. People, businesses and situations can change anytime. We must admit this reality first and anticipate it. Once we anticipate change, we should think of alternatives actions before that change happens. This is no guarantee that we will not feel negative emotions, but we will be able to think rationally because we will be psychologically better prepared.
Even if the change, we anticipated never happens, just anticipating it and knowing what you’d do in response, makes you a more flexible and adaptive person overall.
Sometimes we are on an emotional roller coaster and it is certainly not easy to manage our emotions all the time, but it is possible.
As a Christian, I believe we have the seed planted in us, but we must water it.
Like an old Cherokee told his grandson:
“My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It’s anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.
The other is Good. It’s joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness & truth.”
The boy thought about it, and asked:
“Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man quietly replied:
“The one you feed.”
Think about your last 48 hours. Did you get into an argument? Did you lose patience with a colleague, a spouse, a friend? Did you respond to an email too fast? Did you post an insensitive tweet? Did you ruin a relationship because you misinterpreted someone’s intentions? Do you regret any of your actions of the past 48 hours?
If you answered Yes, to any of these questions then you probably let your emotions control you.
On this note, I welcome you to the second part of the emotional intelligence series.
In my previous post, I talked about self awareness, which is the ability to know which emotions you are feeling and why.
Self management builds on self awareness. It is the ability to use awareness of your emotions to actively choose what to say and what to do.
Developing this skill allows you to choose positively how to react to different situations to your own advantage.
So how can we practice self-management?
For illustration’s sake, let’s consider one typical emotion we have to deal with frequently; Anger.
Is anger clouding my judgment?
Do I need to cool down before taking action?
Am I on the verge of saying or doing something I’ll soon regret?
Anger is one of the emotions that clouds our thinking but there are many others we deal with, such as: setbacks, disappointments or loss; paranoid assumptions about what someone/people think of us; or fighting cravings/habits that overrule our best judgment etc.
Whatever emotions we are dealing with, we must first identify them. Question them. and only then, are we able to take the appropriate action.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20
Let me share just a few actions that can improve self-management:
- Take several deep breaths.
Inhale through your nose until you can feel your stomach swell outward and grow tight, and then exhale gently and completely through your mouth. This will help you relax.
Research shows that when we breathe deeply, we give extra oxygen to the higher level reasoning parts of our brain, which in turn will help us gain clarity.
- Hold your tongue.
As the famous french saying goes: Tourne sept fois la langue dans ta bouche avant de parler (turn your tongue seven times before you speak), it is important to give yourself time to think before you react.
- Sleep on it.
Sometimes you need a goodnight sleep to organize your thoughts and let the dust settle before you make a move. (La nuite porte conseil).
The main goal is to be able to gain time and let your emotions subside while you think of the best response.
- Take control of your self-talk
Our thoughts influence our emotions. For instance, if you are looking forward to an event and tell yourself: “I can’t wait to go out partying tonight”, you are likely to feel excited whole day long. Similarly talking negatively when feeling down is likely to ruin your entire day. Negative self-talk is self-defeating. But you can turn your negative talk into a positive spin.
- Anticipate that change is coming.
It is a fact that we do not have control over many facets of our lives. People, businesses and situations can change anytime. We must admit this reality first and anticipate it. Once we anticipate change, we should think of alternatives actions before that change happens. This is no guarantee that we will not feel negative emotions, but we will be able to think rationally because we will be psychologically better prepared.
Even if the change, we anticipated never happens, just anticipating it and knowing what you’d do in response, makes you a more flexible and adaptive person overall.
Sometimes we are on an emotional roller coaster and it is certainly not easy to manage our emotions all the time, but it is possible.
As a Christian, I believe we have the seed planted in us, but we must water it.
Whoever controls his temper is better than a warrior, and anyone who has control of his spirit is better than someone who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32It is evident that no matter how skilled you become in managing your emotions, there are always going to be situations that push your buttons. Your life won’t suddenly become a fairly tale with no obstacles, but you will be better equipped to take control of your life. We face a constant battle into doing what is right or just doing what we feel like even if it is not the right thing. It’s a choice we have to make, each and every day.
Like an old Cherokee told his grandson:
“My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It’s anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.
The other is Good. It’s joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness & truth.”
The boy thought about it, and asked:
“Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man quietly replied:
“The one you feed.”
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