Sharpen Your Emotional Intelligence (Part 2): Call The Shots NOW!

Let me ask you a question. And please be honest. Do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you? Perhaps, you don’t really know which is which? 

Think about your last 48 hours. Did you get into an argument? Did you lose patience with a colleague, a spouse, a friend? Did you respond to an email too fast? Did you post an insensitive tweet? Did you ruin a relationship because you misinterpreted someone’s intentions? Do you regret any of your actions of the past 48 hours?
If you answered Yes, to any of these questions then you probably let your emotions control you. 
On this note, I welcome you to the second part of the emotional intelligence series. 
In my previous post, I talked about self awareness, which is the ability to know which emotions you are feeling and why. 
Self management builds on self awareness. It is the ability to use awareness of your emotions to actively choose what to say and what to do. 
Developing this skill allows you to choose positively how to react to different situations to your own advantage.   

So how can we practice self-management? 

For illustration’s sake, let’s consider one typical emotion we have to deal with frequently; Anger.

The first step before you act on your emotion is to take a pause. And ask yourself a set of questions: 
 Is anger clouding my judgment?
 Do I need to cool down before taking action? 
 Am I on the verge of saying or doing something I’ll soon regret?  

Anger is one of the emotions that clouds our thinking but there are many others we deal with, such as: setbacks, disappointments or loss; paranoid assumptions about what someone/people think of us; or fighting cravings/habits that overrule our best judgment etc.
Whatever emotions we are dealing with, we must first identify them. Question them. and only then, are we able to take the appropriate action. 

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

Let me share just a few actions that can improve self-management: 

• Take several deep breaths. 

Inhale through your nose until you can feel your stomach swell outward and grow tight, and then exhale gently and completely through your mouth. This will help you relax.
Research shows that when we breathe deeply, we give extra oxygen to the higher level reasoning parts of our brain, which in turn will help us gain clarity. 

• Hold your tongue. 

As the famous french saying goes: Tourne sept fois la langue dans ta bouche avant de parler (turn your tongue seven times before you speak), it is important to give yourself time to think before you react. 

• Sleep on it. 

Sometimes you need a goodnight sleep to organize your thoughts and let the dust settle before you make a move. (La nuite porte conseil). 
The main goal is to be able to gain time and let your emotions subside while you think of the best response. 

• Take control of your self-talk 

Our thoughts influence our emotions. For instance, if you are looking forward to an event and tell yourself: “I can’t wait to go out partying tonight”, you are likely to feel excited whole day long. Similarly talking negatively when feeling down is likely to ruin your entire day. Negative self-talk is self-defeating. But you can turn your negative talk into a positive spin. 

• Anticipate that change is coming. 

It is a fact that we do not have control over many facets of our lives. People, businesses and situations can change anytime. We must admit this reality first and anticipate it. Once we anticipate change, we should think of alternatives actions before that change happens. This is no guarantee that we will not feel negative emotions, but we will be able to think rationally because we will be psychologically better prepared. 
Even if the change, we anticipated never happens, just anticipating it and knowing what you’d do in response, makes you a more flexible and adaptive person overall.

Sometimes we are on an emotional roller coaster and it is certainly not easy to manage our emotions all the time, but it is possible. 
As a Christian, I believe we have the seed planted in us, but we must water it. 

Whoever controls his temper is better than a warrior, and anyone who has control of his spirit is better than someone who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32

It is evident that no matter how skilled you become in managing your emotions, there are always going to be situations that push your buttons. Your life won’t suddenly become a fairly tale with no obstacles, but you will be better equipped to take control of your life.  We face a constant battle into doing what is right or just doing what we feel like even if it is not the right thing. It’s a choice we have to make, each and every day. 

Like an old Cherokee told his grandson: 
“My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It’s anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.
The other is Good. It’s joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness & truth.”
The boy thought about it, and asked:
“Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man quietly replied:
“The one you feed.”

Some People Excel at Emotional Intelligence And Some Don't - Which One Are You?

I recently attended an insightful event on emotional intelligence (EQ) which I am happy to share. I found the information quite valuable, and I hope it helps you too.

Did you know that IQ (rational intelligence) can help you in being successful to the extent of 20% in life, while EQ or emotional intelligence plays the remaining 80% part? 

So what is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. -J. Freedman

Emotional intelligence is usually broken up into four components:  
Self – Awareness; 
Self – management; 
Social emotional awareness; 
Relationship management.

Today, I will talk about the first component: Self-awareness. 

Self-awareness refers to being conscious of one’s own emotions and their effects. 
If you are emotionally aware, you are the kind of person who can easily senses when you are about to get angry. You can stand apart from your thoughts and feelings and examine them. You always seem to be in control because you understand what is going on inside yourself and what triggers those emotions. 

As part of the session last week, we had the opportunity to take a self-assessment test and the majority in the audience did not score highly in this component. To my surprise (or should I say disappointment...), my score was low. I guess that in itself is evidence of how self Unaware I am☺. 

The good news is that this can change. 

Let me illustrate this with an example. 

Imagine that your supervisor at work tends to drag meetings ‘unnecessarily’ (you think), and to make matters worse he usually shows up late for those meetings (yes, even the ones he called) But rather than confronting him, you choose to keep quiet yet you are always burning with anger inside. Even though you attend those meetings, your mind is shut off and you rarely pay attention. Then one day, you just burst out in rage in a meeting because he has showed up late again. This time you have failed to control yourself. You just stand up and walk out of the room while your colleagues and your supervisor wonder what just happened.  
Your reaction is not understood and your behavior is considered very inappropriate by all who attended the meeting. 
After the meeting some of your colleagues approach you and tell you that your reaction was uncalled for.  This time the supervisor was actually only five minutes late and the meeting took 30 minutes. You feel very embarrassed and you wonder; “what was I thinking’. You can’t quite explain it yourself, let alone to others. 

“Unleash it in the right time and place before you explode at the wrong time and place.”  - Oli Anderson

So how do you avoid being in such a situation? 
By cultivating self-awareness. 

The first step is to practice self reflection. 
Pay closer attention to your emotions and just observe them without judging. Write them down as they happen or later. Others reflect better when taking a walk. You can also reflect during your prayer time.  Find what works best for you. It’s probably better to do it at night, as you reflect on how your day went. 

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself." Abraham Maslow

The next step is to seek feedback from others, preferably close friends and relatives. 
Sometimes we are unaware of our own weaknesses, simply because we are too used to them. So we need to hear them from others who observe us. Because our friends and relatives care about us, they may not always be open to criticize us upfront (not taking criticism well, might even be our weakness), so we may have to ask them directly.  As we seek honest feedback about our blind spots, we must be ready to receive it with humility. It is not always easy, if we are not used to it.

“By becoming self-aware, you gain ownership of reality; in becoming real, you become the master of both inner and outer life.” Deepak Chopra

Self awareness helps you to understand yourself better. It doesn’t mean that you will not make mistakes but it gives you the ability to learn from them and correct them. 

“Anyone can be angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy.” Aristotle

I invite you to join me on the journey of self awareness. And if you can, please share your experience in the comments. 

If you want to be a winner, change your criticism philosophy now!

"Don't mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it; if it is fair; keep from irritation; if it is ignorant, smile; if it is justified, it is not criticism, learn from it." Anonymous

Isn’t it interesting how we don't always respond well to criticism, even when we ask for it?

We know that we are not perfect but somehow we would rather be praised and avoid being criticized. The reality though, is that as human beings, we are imperfect and other people may notice it, just like we notice flaws in others.

No matter what you do, you can't control what people will say. But you can control how you internalize it and act on it. 

Looking at criticism in a positive light requires a mind shift which will go a long way in building an individual and society at large. The question is: HOW?

Use criticism to frame your relationships 

First, let me confess that I can be quite argumentative and sensitive (as I'm often reminded by loved ones) when I feel criticized and this tends to affect my relationships in the moment and my mood. Over time, I realized that sometimes, the people criticizing some of our actions are genuinely trying to help but we may be so afraid of being judged that we take everything people say as condemnation. 

So instead of getting mad at a person who criticizes you in a manner you deem inappropriate, you can say: "I think you make a valid point, but I would receive it better if you didn't raise your voice or use an offensive language."

On the other hand, criticism also reveals to you who you are surrounded with.

As Steve Goodier said: 

"Who do you spend time with? Criticizers or encouragers? Surround yourself with those who believe in you. Your life is too important for anything less."

         Criticism can boost personal growth. 

Criticism encourages humility. It's never easy to accept or even recognize our weaknesses, yet it is crucial in our quest for personal growth to face our flaws and endeavor to correct them. 

"True humility is accepting criticism as graciously as we accept compliments." Sabrina Newby

Another virtue we can practice when faced with criticism is forgiveness. When we are wrongly criticized (or believe we are), we can choose to carry around the stress rather than forgiving.  As a result, we end up unintentionally directing our anger towards our family and friends. While it's not easy, criticism gives you a chance to practice forgiveness for peace of mind and character building.

"The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment." Elbert Hubbard 

Criticism builds you emotionally  

Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you're sensitive about your physical appearance because you're holding onto something someone said to you years ago, something that you need to release. I remember being teased as a child, for looking frail, unfit and too weak to play sports. For a while, comments about my physical strength would feel like personal attacks. Eventually, I decided to work out which boosted my confidence (more than my muscles). That was an emotional boost. Perhaps, you also need to examine yourself and come to terms with something in your past? Search within and release it, you will reap emotional benefits. 

Winston Churchill said:

"Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things."

Another crucial element about criticism, is that it encourages questioning the tendencies that view praise as a good thing, and criticism as a bad one. Yet, if we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, we would be more open minded and grow as a result.

“Listen more to the one who criticizes you and less to the one who praises you. Learn from them and do something about it.” Paul Kagame

           Criticism builds self-confidence 

Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is inevitable if you want to do big things in life. The more attention you receive, the more criticism you’ll face.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." Eleanor Roosevelt

If you can’t take criticism, then, say nothing, do nothing and be nothing as Aristotle said. But is that what you really want?