Sharpen Your Emotional Intelligence (Part 2): Call The Shots NOW!

Let me ask you a question. And please be honest. Do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you? Perhaps, you don’t really know which is which? 

Think about your last 48 hours. Did you get into an argument? Did you lose patience with a colleague, a spouse, a friend? Did you respond to an email too fast? Did you post an insensitive tweet? Did you ruin a relationship because you misinterpreted someone’s intentions? Do you regret any of your actions of the past 48 hours?
If you answered Yes, to any of these questions then you probably let your emotions control you. 
On this note, I welcome you to the second part of the emotional intelligence series. 
In my previous post, I talked about self awareness, which is the ability to know which emotions you are feeling and why. 
Self management builds on self awareness. It is the ability to use awareness of your emotions to actively choose what to say and what to do. 
Developing this skill allows you to choose positively how to react to different situations to your own advantage.   

So how can we practice self-management? 

For illustration’s sake, let’s consider one typical emotion we have to deal with frequently; Anger.

The first step before you act on your emotion is to take a pause. And ask yourself a set of questions: 
 Is anger clouding my judgment?
 Do I need to cool down before taking action? 
 Am I on the verge of saying or doing something I’ll soon regret?  

Anger is one of the emotions that clouds our thinking but there are many others we deal with, such as: setbacks, disappointments or loss; paranoid assumptions about what someone/people think of us; or fighting cravings/habits that overrule our best judgment etc.
Whatever emotions we are dealing with, we must first identify them. Question them. and only then, are we able to take the appropriate action. 

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

Let me share just a few actions that can improve self-management: 

• Take several deep breaths. 

Inhale through your nose until you can feel your stomach swell outward and grow tight, and then exhale gently and completely through your mouth. This will help you relax.
Research shows that when we breathe deeply, we give extra oxygen to the higher level reasoning parts of our brain, which in turn will help us gain clarity. 

• Hold your tongue. 

As the famous french saying goes: Tourne sept fois la langue dans ta bouche avant de parler (turn your tongue seven times before you speak), it is important to give yourself time to think before you react. 

• Sleep on it. 

Sometimes you need a goodnight sleep to organize your thoughts and let the dust settle before you make a move. (La nuite porte conseil). 
The main goal is to be able to gain time and let your emotions subside while you think of the best response. 

• Take control of your self-talk 

Our thoughts influence our emotions. For instance, if you are looking forward to an event and tell yourself: “I can’t wait to go out partying tonight”, you are likely to feel excited whole day long. Similarly talking negatively when feeling down is likely to ruin your entire day. Negative self-talk is self-defeating. But you can turn your negative talk into a positive spin. 

• Anticipate that change is coming. 

It is a fact that we do not have control over many facets of our lives. People, businesses and situations can change anytime. We must admit this reality first and anticipate it. Once we anticipate change, we should think of alternatives actions before that change happens. This is no guarantee that we will not feel negative emotions, but we will be able to think rationally because we will be psychologically better prepared. 
Even if the change, we anticipated never happens, just anticipating it and knowing what you’d do in response, makes you a more flexible and adaptive person overall.

Sometimes we are on an emotional roller coaster and it is certainly not easy to manage our emotions all the time, but it is possible. 
As a Christian, I believe we have the seed planted in us, but we must water it. 

Whoever controls his temper is better than a warrior, and anyone who has control of his spirit is better than someone who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32

It is evident that no matter how skilled you become in managing your emotions, there are always going to be situations that push your buttons. Your life won’t suddenly become a fairly tale with no obstacles, but you will be better equipped to take control of your life.  We face a constant battle into doing what is right or just doing what we feel like even if it is not the right thing. It’s a choice we have to make, each and every day. 

Like an old Cherokee told his grandson: 
“My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It’s anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.
The other is Good. It’s joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness & truth.”
The boy thought about it, and asked:
“Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man quietly replied:
“The one you feed.”

Some People Excel at Emotional Intelligence And Some Don't - Which One Are You?

I recently attended an insightful event on emotional intelligence (EQ) which I am happy to share. I found the information quite valuable, and I hope it helps you too.

Did you know that IQ (rational intelligence) can help you in being successful to the extent of 20% in life, while EQ or emotional intelligence plays the remaining 80% part? 

So what is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. -J. Freedman

Emotional intelligence is usually broken up into four components:  
Self – Awareness; 
Self – management; 
Social emotional awareness; 
Relationship management.

Today, I will talk about the first component: Self-awareness. 

Self-awareness refers to being conscious of one’s own emotions and their effects. 
If you are emotionally aware, you are the kind of person who can easily senses when you are about to get angry. You can stand apart from your thoughts and feelings and examine them. You always seem to be in control because you understand what is going on inside yourself and what triggers those emotions. 

As part of the session last week, we had the opportunity to take a self-assessment test and the majority in the audience did not score highly in this component. To my surprise (or should I say disappointment...), my score was low. I guess that in itself is evidence of how self Unaware I am☺. 

The good news is that this can change. 

Let me illustrate this with an example. 

Imagine that your supervisor at work tends to drag meetings ‘unnecessarily’ (you think), and to make matters worse he usually shows up late for those meetings (yes, even the ones he called) But rather than confronting him, you choose to keep quiet yet you are always burning with anger inside. Even though you attend those meetings, your mind is shut off and you rarely pay attention. Then one day, you just burst out in rage in a meeting because he has showed up late again. This time you have failed to control yourself. You just stand up and walk out of the room while your colleagues and your supervisor wonder what just happened.  
Your reaction is not understood and your behavior is considered very inappropriate by all who attended the meeting. 
After the meeting some of your colleagues approach you and tell you that your reaction was uncalled for.  This time the supervisor was actually only five minutes late and the meeting took 30 minutes. You feel very embarrassed and you wonder; “what was I thinking’. You can’t quite explain it yourself, let alone to others. 

“Unleash it in the right time and place before you explode at the wrong time and place.”  - Oli Anderson

So how do you avoid being in such a situation? 
By cultivating self-awareness. 

The first step is to practice self reflection. 
Pay closer attention to your emotions and just observe them without judging. Write them down as they happen or later. Others reflect better when taking a walk. You can also reflect during your prayer time.  Find what works best for you. It’s probably better to do it at night, as you reflect on how your day went. 

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself." Abraham Maslow

The next step is to seek feedback from others, preferably close friends and relatives. 
Sometimes we are unaware of our own weaknesses, simply because we are too used to them. So we need to hear them from others who observe us. Because our friends and relatives care about us, they may not always be open to criticize us upfront (not taking criticism well, might even be our weakness), so we may have to ask them directly.  As we seek honest feedback about our blind spots, we must be ready to receive it with humility. It is not always easy, if we are not used to it.

“By becoming self-aware, you gain ownership of reality; in becoming real, you become the master of both inner and outer life.” Deepak Chopra

Self awareness helps you to understand yourself better. It doesn’t mean that you will not make mistakes but it gives you the ability to learn from them and correct them. 

“Anyone can be angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy.” Aristotle

I invite you to join me on the journey of self awareness. And if you can, please share your experience in the comments. 

If you want to be a winner, change your criticism philosophy now!

"Don't mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it; if it is fair; keep from irritation; if it is ignorant, smile; if it is justified, it is not criticism, learn from it." Anonymous

Isn’t it interesting how we don't always respond well to criticism, even when we ask for it?

We know that we are not perfect but somehow we would rather be praised and avoid being criticized. The reality though, is that as human beings, we are imperfect and other people may notice it, just like we notice flaws in others.

No matter what you do, you can't control what people will say. But you can control how you internalize it and act on it. 

Looking at criticism in a positive light requires a mind shift which will go a long way in building an individual and society at large. The question is: HOW?

Use criticism to frame your relationships 

First, let me confess that I can be quite argumentative and sensitive (as I'm often reminded by loved ones) when I feel criticized and this tends to affect my relationships in the moment and my mood. Over time, I realized that sometimes, the people criticizing some of our actions are genuinely trying to help but we may be so afraid of being judged that we take everything people say as condemnation. 

So instead of getting mad at a person who criticizes you in a manner you deem inappropriate, you can say: "I think you make a valid point, but I would receive it better if you didn't raise your voice or use an offensive language."

On the other hand, criticism also reveals to you who you are surrounded with.

As Steve Goodier said: 

"Who do you spend time with? Criticizers or encouragers? Surround yourself with those who believe in you. Your life is too important for anything less."

         Criticism can boost personal growth. 

Criticism encourages humility. It's never easy to accept or even recognize our weaknesses, yet it is crucial in our quest for personal growth to face our flaws and endeavor to correct them. 

"True humility is accepting criticism as graciously as we accept compliments." Sabrina Newby

Another virtue we can practice when faced with criticism is forgiveness. When we are wrongly criticized (or believe we are), we can choose to carry around the stress rather than forgiving.  As a result, we end up unintentionally directing our anger towards our family and friends. While it's not easy, criticism gives you a chance to practice forgiveness for peace of mind and character building.

"The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment." Elbert Hubbard 

Criticism builds you emotionally  

Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you're sensitive about your physical appearance because you're holding onto something someone said to you years ago, something that you need to release. I remember being teased as a child, for looking frail, unfit and too weak to play sports. For a while, comments about my physical strength would feel like personal attacks. Eventually, I decided to work out which boosted my confidence (more than my muscles). That was an emotional boost. Perhaps, you also need to examine yourself and come to terms with something in your past? Search within and release it, you will reap emotional benefits. 

Winston Churchill said:

"Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things."

Another crucial element about criticism, is that it encourages questioning the tendencies that view praise as a good thing, and criticism as a bad one. Yet, if we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, we would be more open minded and grow as a result.

“Listen more to the one who criticizes you and less to the one who praises you. Learn from them and do something about it.” Paul Kagame

           Criticism builds self-confidence 

Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is inevitable if you want to do big things in life. The more attention you receive, the more criticism you’ll face.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." Eleanor Roosevelt

If you can’t take criticism, then, say nothing, do nothing and be nothing as Aristotle said. But is that what you really want?

ENTREPRENEURSHIP: Start small. Start Now.

Did you know that Coca-Cola sold only 25 bottles in its first year?

I know many friends who would like to start their own business and maybe that's your case too.  But perhaps you find your current job so overwhelming that you feel you can't combine it with anything else. Or if you are like me, you wonder if chasing your passion by building something new; in a new field is realistic. I mean how do you change a career after accumulating so many years in a given sector? What if your new venture fails? 

A very good friend of mine called Priscilla is a good example. She began a business making and selling handmade children clothes when she had a full time job. Today, she is working on producing and delivering health foods to the community as an additional business and she still has a full time job. Naturally, it is not easy as she told me. Her secret is: start small but start now. Just like Coca Cola started by selling only 25 bottles in its first year before it became what we know today; you too can build your business and work on it progressively. I think that's a great tip. 

Picture at Kipepeo-Kids 

"Start small. Start now."  Priscilla R.

Here is my take. Unless you pursue your interest and work on what you love, you will never know if it will succeed or not. Whatever your dream is, start working on it at night and on the weekends, or whenever, just start. Once you start, you'll learn whether your excitement is real or just a phase. Just stay long enough at the task though, one month trial is not enough. And if it doesn't work out, then you didn't really lose much, in fact you gained knowledge in a new field or discovered yourself in the process. Then you can start again on your next passion. The more you try, the more you learn who you are and what really drives you, and eventually you will begin to live your dream. 

One thing is sure, the perfect time will never arrive. You are always too young, too old, busy or broke, not skilled enough, this and that. 

Stop waiting for the right time because time isn't waiting for you. 

It is not too late to pursue your goal

I did it! It's been two weeks but I am still happy that I participated in my first run ever - The Peace Marathon. 

This year, I went from being a couch potato to running my first international race organized in my hometown. It was only 7km but it meant a lot. Beyond the physical benefit, I gained a lot from it because it was a goal that I set at the start of the year; that I broke down, pursued, committed to and finally achieved. I learned a great deal in this process. I did it! It's been two weeks but I am still happy that I participated in my first run ever-The Peace Marathon in Kigali. I did it

 1.Take your time to set your goals right

I have heard and learned a lot about goal setting in recent years. I have noticed that it has become a routine and people generally have a sense of what they want to achieve. However, it becomes less clear when stating clear steps to get there. As I set the goal to run at this year Peace Marathon, I realized that it was the second time I was setting this same goal. I had missed it last year. So I had to do something different this time - that is, if I wanted to succeed. 
One of the best decision I took was to break down my goal. First, I set a target to walk 6000 steps each day; then I kept increasing the number of steps on a monthly basis and I increased the speed from walking to jogging. To monitor my progress I downloaded Samsung Health on my phone and I kept a weekly update.I can attest that breaking down a big goal into smaller steps, taking action and measuring progress helped me improve gradually and eventually meet my goal. It's a winning formula! 

 

2. If you go alone you will go fast, if you go together you will go far 

Goal setting at the beginning of the year feels exciting. At this time of the year, most people are passionate, driven and want to make a difference in their life. That was certainly my case. In the past few years, I have learned about goal setting and noticed that most people generally have a sense of what they want to acheive in a given year, but very few have a sense of how to get there. 
When I began implementing my fitness goal, I had set to walk 6000 steps every day. In the first weeks, I would walk and a few times I beat that target. However after a couple of months, I started stalling. There were few weeks I did not go beyond 1000 steps. I had grown tired of walking in the same area and I wasn't comfortable walking long distances alone. At this point, I decided to share my goal with my husband and asked for help. He joined me in the walks and that made a big difference. 
I increased my walking distance from an average of 3km to 10km three times a week. I also increased my speed and added jogging to the walks, and I discovered new areas of my city in the process. As a plus, we got to spend quality time together.  

The valuable lesson I learned was the advantage of sharing your goal and asking for help. It's amazing what difference it can make. There are people out there willing to help, all you got to do is reach out. 

3. What you get by achieving your goal is not as important as what you become

The journey to living your goals changes you. Whether you notice it or not, it does. Over time, people close to you and around may begin to notice that change. On the day of the race, I had to wake up before 5.00 am in order to make it on by 7.00 am to the stadium where it was due to start. This was due to logistical constraints. The arrangements were such that we would walk to the stadium before the race which : as my husband rightly pointed out, meant that I would be exhausted even before the race began. For a few minutes, the night before, I wondered if it was worth it. Then I heard a whisper : 

 Winners don't quit. Quitters don't win. 

It's hard to explain but I felt different. Like a new part of me had emerged and was in charge. This new person is probably who my husband saw that dawn as he stared at me for a while and when I asked what he was thinking, he didn't find the words. Then after some silence, he said: "you just amaze me." When I asked him days later what he meant, he still can't seem to find the exact the words. While I can only speculate about it, I believe he saw a different side of me he had never seen in the past 15 years, perhaps what he saw is a new person I am becoming, work in a progress, slowly transforming by the pursuit of goals. 

4. Trust God in every moment

Pursuing goals is not an easy task. Sometimes it is not that goal itself is hard, but it requires changing old habits and installing new habits and that can very challenging, When we face challenges, we might tempted to give up and most people do. If done regularly, it becomes a habit.  Yet, I have learned to keep pushing through and put trust in God no matter the struggles. Back to the race. When we were all ready just before 6.00 am, I couldn't help but dread having the walk the 7km to the venue as we would have to. The alternative was to drive around the city trying to find the few open roads to the venue and risking to find no parking space. We knew friends who had missed the race in previous year because they were late for the same reason, so we didn't want to take that risk. 
Our options were limited, not God's. 
That morning, as we got the main road, we decided to hitchhike. We stopped a vehicle from a driving school that we later find out was going to pick up a client. Andre, an amazing guy, stopped and we got in. We began a one hour journey going round and round the city, through dirt road and trails, until we got close the stadium. As he dropped us off, we offered to pay him, but he would not accept our money. He said, he was happy to help. It was simply a miracle, and I believe Andre was an angel sent to us. 

The Bible says: Trust only in God in every moment! Tell Him all your troubles and pour out your heart longings to Him." Psalm 62:8

When we set our goals, we are motivated and this motivation can last a few weeks, but very few people start implementing them, and even fewer people stick to them. I have been there so I know it is not easy at all. But I have also experienced the joy of achieving the set goals and it supersedes by far the unease of pursuing them. 
There exists lots of strategies to stick to goals and a lot has been written on the subject. My experience has shown me that the most important is to start the habit of setting goals, put them in writing, act on them, monitor progress and keep pursuing them until they are achieved. The more this is done, the more one gets good at it. Like any muscle, this exercise develops the brain muscle. First you will enjoy ticking off small tasks, then you will feel confident and start taking on bigger goals, and bigger goals, until it becomes a habit and you can't go back. It is a long and tenuous process and I must admit I am not there yet. But I believe it is worth every effort. 
At the start of this year, I wrote down that I would take part in this race. The challenge was that it was scheduled on my birthday so I would not be able to spend it with my family as I have done every year. But I am happy I took that decision. My family supported me in this journey and my husband has become my jogging partner. 
Perhaps the most important lesson I have learned and keep learning everyday, is that the people who love you and matter the most, will always support you as long as you keep them in the loop. So I urge you not to feel overwhelmed trying to achieve your goals alone, reach out to family, mentors and friends, there is likely someone ready to help, BUT you have to take the lead, stick to those goals, no matter the challenges ahead. 

Interested in finding your purpose in life?

Do you ever wonder what your calling in life is? Wondered if you will ever live the life of your dreams, whatever that might may be? Personally this is a question that I often ask myself. And after the many years I have been alive, I am yet to find the answer.           

But as I keep scratching my head and reading on the subject, I think I have found an answer… well, let's say I have two simple steps that may lead to a path towards an answer.

1. Learn to listen to your heart and quiet your brain.

Let’s say you have always loved beautiful patterns. You love everything about design (clothing, interior design etc…). You remember always decorating stuff at home since you were a little child, but you never really thought about it as a career. And now, after completing your degree in IT, you are wondering if you really made the right choice. You have been working for some years now in the field, but your heart keeps drawing you towards your passion – design. On the other hand, your ‘reasonable’ brain side tells you that you can’t go into design now since you don’t have the right degree. You should focus on software engineering because that is what you are qualified in. Besides, you don’t have a degree in design so you would not be competitive in the field and you can’t afford to let your heart dictate you. “That’s is unrealistic, you are the brainy type” you tell yourself. You convince yourself that passion is overrated!

But is it?

As time goes by and you gain some experience in the IT field; and even though you are still in love with design, and everything inside you and even your friends tell you that you are gifted, you keep doubting whether design is really for you. Besides, everyone says technology is the future so you are probably in the right field and you seem to be appreciated at work too. Yet, you are not happy. 

So why do you feel sad and unfulfilled when you assess your professional life? 

Simply because your heart knows things that your brain can’t explain.

 “The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”   

If you want to be happy, then I suggest you stop trying to ignore your heart and instead give in. You can’t tackle the issue if you are in denial. But if you embrace it, you can now begin to negotiate how to harness your passion. That might be the path to your calling and if it is, you don't want to let the opportunity pass you by. And if it is not, then you will have given it your best. 

Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever!

2. Learn by doing

Once you have convinced yourself to listen to your heart, then your brain can come in to show you how to turn this passion into a business.Sometimes your passion cannot pay your bills (as yet…), so you will probably need to get a job to survive but you should NOT give up on your passion. Instead, if you love it – as it happens with passion – it is worth investing extra hours after work or on the weekend. In the case of our interior designer at heart, advice could be done online after working hours and site visits over the weekend for example. A good amount of time should also be spent educating oneself on the subject, taking online courses or reading about it etc, so you are aware of the trends, hence stay relevant.

“Anything that gets your blood racing is probably worth doing.”

What I have noticed is that a passion needs to be nurtured if it is to grow. And it can only grow if it is developed and practiced. I have often heard people remember what they were good at when they were young and regretting they didn’t pursue this or that career instead of what they are doing. Others may also have had many interests and were good in most of them and can’t quite find what they really like. I must confess that I fall in the latter category. But very few people are willing to get out of the comfort zone to scratch further and see if their passion can come to life. It is not easy to come home after a long day of work and start working on your passion, especially when there is no guarantee it will work out. But one cannot find out whether it will work out unless it is practiced.

Why is this important?

The question about our life’s purpose is not easy. Many never find theirs and they seem to live just fine, so why should we care, you may ask? My answer is: Why should we rob the world of our innate talent? I just can’t find a good reason. I believe God created us for a purpose; it is our duty to find it and live it.

I have a lot of admiration for those who are living their purpose. But I am convinced that it is not reserved for the few. I believe anyone who is willing to listen to his/her heart, to work hard at mastering their interests, is on the right track.  

So what will it take you to begin the journey towards finding your calling? If you are living yours, please share your experience as it may help so many on this self discovery journey.

“Purpose is the reason you journey. Passion is the fire that lights your way.”

I am daring you to F.A.I.L.

I have come to realize that no matter what we do, we are bound to make mistakes and experience failure at some point in life. The natural tendency for many is to blame others for the mistakes or blame our circumstances. Let’s say you delegate some work and it goes badly, so you will blame the person; you might decide never to delegate work again. Or you may blame the failure on the lack of resources. While these aspects may be true, as a leader you could actually embrace this failure and use that knowledge to do better in the future.

This will mean one thing though, to see things  differently.

So what if we saw things differently? 

I came across two stories, one about Tom Watson Jr and the other about Thomas Edison. These two leaders saw things differently and it made a whole difference. I believe we can learn a great deal from them.

Tom Watson Jr, was the CEO of IBM between 1956 and 1971. During his tenure a young executive had made some bad decisions that cost the company several million dollars. He was summoned to Watson’s office, fully expecting to be dismissed. As he entered the office, the young executive said, “I suppose after that set of mistakes you will want to fire me.” Watson was said to have replied,

“Not at all, young man, we have just spent a couple of million dollars educating you"

So in this case rather than punish and fire this executive who had made mistakes probably trying to innovate, the leader showed him support and his action was a reminder that some of the most powerful lessons are learned through failures. A phrase we often hear but that is rarely applied. 

Edison was a prolific inventor; his story is quite known for the invention of the electrical light bulb. It is believed that after several attempts to make the bulb he said in a now, very famous quote: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work."

It is also said that when his factory was burned down, with much of his life’s work inside, Edison said: “There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew."

Like Watson Jr., Thomas Edison demonstrated a unique response to adversity.  These two leaders saw things differently. They viewed mistakes as an investment in learning and rather than beating themselves up or firing the employee, they used the failure as a stepping stone.

So next time you make a mistake or 100 of them, remember to learn from them and soon enough you will realize that you can do better.

As Henry Ford said: “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

F.A.I.L. = First Attempt In Learning